Just quick list of things I am hating at the moment:
1) People who call cappuccinos flat whites. For years, everyone was content to call them cappuccinos. When did this change? And why did no one tell me? My dad and I once spent a miserable afternoon at Melissa's sipping Earl Grey and wondering what kind of coffee shop didn't serve cappuccinos. And wondering why we saw the odd foam-topped coffee being swished past us. It didn't occur to us to look out for flat whites on the menu. I still feel poncy ordering one. Or as if the waiter will decline my request on the basis that I am not wearing a beard (see below).
2) Beards. Let's not kid. These are not fashion 'accessories' (not sure that's the right term, as it is grown out of the body rather than slung on the arm like a handbag). The key word being 'grown'. Yes, it is pubic hair growing out of the face. Not vastly different to fungus, or, if I am saying what I really think, a vagina. Which is what I automatically think of when I see a beard. My days are becoming increasingly harrowing as it seems no one is without one nowadays. I am surrounded by vag faces.
3) People who sign their emails/texts with little salutations like 'love and light', bringing to mind bearded (again: yuck, especially if it's a woman) vegans who embraced flaxseed long before Banting and think that leather handbags are a sin against humanity (I, meanwhile, think that pleather handbags are the sin against humanity). In what I consider the height of irony, Leya's playgroup teacher recently sent me a mail saying "Your child has been kicked out of playgroup until you remember to bring her registration forms, as I have been asking you to do since before she joined us. Love and Light, Sarah". I suppose I should be grateful she didn't add kisses. That would send the passive aggression into stratrospheric heights. Yes, I know I am a shocking mother. Never have a change of clothes. Never have wipes. Never have clean nappies unless they're still in my boot from the last big shop I did. Consider my knuckles duly rapped.
4) Millennial speak. Ironically, I have picked up some of this from my magazine. The other day I found myself saying to the head of a strategic consulting agency, "Yes, I understand if that time is a bit awk" for you. But seriously. I hate it: obvs (What, it takes too much energy to get the 'iously' out your mouth? Ditto for defs and totes.); also, "I know, right?" (too which I acerbically reply: if you know, have the courage of your own convictions and don't look for affirmation) and any bit of digitalia that's made it's way into colloquial speech (wtf might be acceptable when you're texting, as might a hashtag, but they have no place in the real world.)
5) People who call other people babe, especially if they are fellow women. Please. We are not in Las Vegas, and you are not a lounge singer wearing a toupee and Elvis pants.
1) People who call cappuccinos flat whites. For years, everyone was content to call them cappuccinos. When did this change? And why did no one tell me? My dad and I once spent a miserable afternoon at Melissa's sipping Earl Grey and wondering what kind of coffee shop didn't serve cappuccinos. And wondering why we saw the odd foam-topped coffee being swished past us. It didn't occur to us to look out for flat whites on the menu. I still feel poncy ordering one. Or as if the waiter will decline my request on the basis that I am not wearing a beard (see below).
2) Beards. Let's not kid. These are not fashion 'accessories' (not sure that's the right term, as it is grown out of the body rather than slung on the arm like a handbag). The key word being 'grown'. Yes, it is pubic hair growing out of the face. Not vastly different to fungus, or, if I am saying what I really think, a vagina. Which is what I automatically think of when I see a beard. My days are becoming increasingly harrowing as it seems no one is without one nowadays. I am surrounded by vag faces.
3) People who sign their emails/texts with little salutations like 'love and light', bringing to mind bearded (again: yuck, especially if it's a woman) vegans who embraced flaxseed long before Banting and think that leather handbags are a sin against humanity (I, meanwhile, think that pleather handbags are the sin against humanity). In what I consider the height of irony, Leya's playgroup teacher recently sent me a mail saying "Your child has been kicked out of playgroup until you remember to bring her registration forms, as I have been asking you to do since before she joined us. Love and Light, Sarah". I suppose I should be grateful she didn't add kisses. That would send the passive aggression into stratrospheric heights. Yes, I know I am a shocking mother. Never have a change of clothes. Never have wipes. Never have clean nappies unless they're still in my boot from the last big shop I did. Consider my knuckles duly rapped.
4) Millennial speak. Ironically, I have picked up some of this from my magazine. The other day I found myself saying to the head of a strategic consulting agency, "Yes, I understand if that time is a bit awk" for you. But seriously. I hate it: obvs (What, it takes too much energy to get the 'iously' out your mouth? Ditto for defs and totes.); also, "I know, right?" (too which I acerbically reply: if you know, have the courage of your own convictions and don't look for affirmation) and any bit of digitalia that's made it's way into colloquial speech (wtf might be acceptable when you're texting, as might a hashtag, but they have no place in the real world.)
5) People who call other people babe, especially if they are fellow women. Please. We are not in Las Vegas, and you are not a lounge singer wearing a toupee and Elvis pants.
Funny. Cynical. True.
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