Lately I find myself thinking a lot about kids' TV. Not worthy thoughts, like am I turning my child into a zombie with the amount of TV I let her watch (I know the answer to this one. It's made clear by the dangle of dribble hanging from her agape mouth while she watches, and the fact that the only way I can get her attention during TV time is by randomly inserting the word 'chocolate' into any sentence directed at her). My musings don't even extend to worrying about whether her future feminist soul has been placed in jeopardy by the presence of only one girl dog in Paw Patrol, and Skye's stereotypically 'girly' (read: narcissistic, vain and shallow) behaviour.
No. Instead, I mull over the following:
1. Where are Max and Ruby's parents? This question obsesses me, to the point that it has become one of the Big Questions, like why are we here? What's going to happen to my children if the world's food supplies run out because of global warning? How can Monsanto be allowed to operate? And why do we even pretend that macon tastes anything like bacon?
In fact, the whole Max/Ruby scenario is troubling. The other day, Leya wisely observed that someone needs to tell Ruby that she's not the queen. So even my three-year-old finds her bossy and officious, although she might not pick up on the passive aggressive vibes that are contained in the tight little smiles Ruby flashes every time she flashes poor old Max an instruction. The sad thing is, I find that by the end of the day, I am like Ruby on steroids, growling out things like "of course we wear panties when we go out" through a rictus grimace that's supposed to show my child that yes, even though I'm a bugged that I've had to explain this rule 30 time, I'm still game for repeating myself another 60.
2. Why does Ryder have only four fingers (three fingers and a thumb). Ok, let's actually start at the beginning. Why is Ryder called Ryder? Would that name not be more appropriate if, I don't know, Paw Patrol was actually about a dog groomer who came the houses of lonely ladies and, um trimmed their pets? Second, why has a 14-year-old boy been left in charge of all those dogs? Is his some kind of Bruce Wayne story, with canines replacing bats? Surely that's the only way he would be able afford to keep all of those good pups in Iams? Why does he never change his clothes? And, again, where are his parents?
3. How did Dora go from being a spunky little mite, able to take on dragons simply by giving a dance and a clap, into a clearly highly-strung teenager with a penchant for pearls? One look tells you she will probably volunteer to be class mom and say things like "I found the best quinoa recipe for the kids' school lunch at Montessori - as vegans, it's so important for us to get enough protein". And how does she manage to look so tense and upset even as she sings about having fun? Also, why is she so hung up on helping? I like to think that I'm not a bad person, but the only time I ever offer to help is when I can see that the table has already been set or if the hostess is one of those people whose hair falls out if you cut the tomatoes in slices instead of dices, as she prefers to do them.
4. Why do British moms find Mr Bloom sexy? They really do. Are there not enough truly handsome men in England?
5. Did Jason Mason grow up to become Harry Styles?
6. WTF is actually happening in The Night Garden. I am not the only person who finds this programme unspeakably perturbing. I'm pretty sure that if someone were to translate "icka bicka backa swogga", it would turn out to be some kind of code urging our children into hideous subversive behaviour.
7. Why, oh why, do I always have some kind of theme song stuck in my head? These ponderances, for instance, have been set to th4e soundtrack of 'Ola ola ola, ola ola ola we're so very glad to see you'. Grr.
No. Instead, I mull over the following:
1. Where are Max and Ruby's parents? This question obsesses me, to the point that it has become one of the Big Questions, like why are we here? What's going to happen to my children if the world's food supplies run out because of global warning? How can Monsanto be allowed to operate? And why do we even pretend that macon tastes anything like bacon?
In fact, the whole Max/Ruby scenario is troubling. The other day, Leya wisely observed that someone needs to tell Ruby that she's not the queen. So even my three-year-old finds her bossy and officious, although she might not pick up on the passive aggressive vibes that are contained in the tight little smiles Ruby flashes every time she flashes poor old Max an instruction. The sad thing is, I find that by the end of the day, I am like Ruby on steroids, growling out things like "of course we wear panties when we go out" through a rictus grimace that's supposed to show my child that yes, even though I'm a bugged that I've had to explain this rule 30 time, I'm still game for repeating myself another 60.
2. Why does Ryder have only four fingers (three fingers and a thumb). Ok, let's actually start at the beginning. Why is Ryder called Ryder? Would that name not be more appropriate if, I don't know, Paw Patrol was actually about a dog groomer who came the houses of lonely ladies and, um trimmed their pets? Second, why has a 14-year-old boy been left in charge of all those dogs? Is his some kind of Bruce Wayne story, with canines replacing bats? Surely that's the only way he would be able afford to keep all of those good pups in Iams? Why does he never change his clothes? And, again, where are his parents?
3. How did Dora go from being a spunky little mite, able to take on dragons simply by giving a dance and a clap, into a clearly highly-strung teenager with a penchant for pearls? One look tells you she will probably volunteer to be class mom and say things like "I found the best quinoa recipe for the kids' school lunch at Montessori - as vegans, it's so important for us to get enough protein". And how does she manage to look so tense and upset even as she sings about having fun? Also, why is she so hung up on helping? I like to think that I'm not a bad person, but the only time I ever offer to help is when I can see that the table has already been set or if the hostess is one of those people whose hair falls out if you cut the tomatoes in slices instead of dices, as she prefers to do them.
4. Why do British moms find Mr Bloom sexy? They really do. Are there not enough truly handsome men in England?
5. Did Jason Mason grow up to become Harry Styles?
6. WTF is actually happening in The Night Garden. I am not the only person who finds this programme unspeakably perturbing. I'm pretty sure that if someone were to translate "icka bicka backa swogga", it would turn out to be some kind of code urging our children into hideous subversive behaviour.
7. Why, oh why, do I always have some kind of theme song stuck in my head? These ponderances, for instance, have been set to th4e soundtrack of 'Ola ola ola, ola ola ola we're so very glad to see you'. Grr.
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