Mind if I don't

It all started innocurously enough: back in 1939, faced with the fear that the Nazis were about to start banging on Britain's door, the government dreamed up a propaganda campaign that spoke directly to the nation's fortitude and ability to keep drinking tea even while the SS were polishing their jackboots. Keep Calm and Carry On, they said (I would write 'urged', but it hints at the very kind of strong emotion that is swallowed up by the stiff upper lip). Although this stirring slogan was printed on posters, their distribution was rather limited, so the entire campaign was all rather under the radar. Until 2012, when 15 new posters came to light, and what followed was anything but calm.

All of a sudden, the need for calm was bleated at us from all manner of items: from scatter cushions, from cakes, from bunting. Never before has calmness been so feted; if the number of instructions to keep calm and carry on is anything to go by, then we are a society prone to dropping our pens, remote controls, shopping lists (or whatever the case may be) and falling into an eye-rolling, foot-stomping, hyperventilating fit with nary the slightest provocation.

Personally, I find that this chirpy little tagline has a very unsoothing effect. It makes me so irritated, that immediately I want to fly into a wild rage and rip whatever is bearing the slogan to pieces. This might be because it has become absorbed into other trends that I absolutely loathe: botanical prints, peter pan collars,cupcakes and ceramic bunnies - basically, anything that is commonly described as 'lovely' or 'sweet'. So, yes, put a poster in front of me saying 'Keep calm and have some chocolate', 'Keep calm and hug a ceramic bunny', or 'keep calm and have a pedicure', and I will gouge your eyes out. After that, I will, indeed feel far more serene.

I wonder if there is a male counterpoint to all this Zooey Deschanel, crochet-type calmness. Are there any navy blue posters out there saying, "Keep calm and watch some rugby", "Keep calm and eat some biltong" or "Keep Calm; it's still there".

There are, however, some iterations of the line that I have found and like very much: I will not keep calm and you can shut the fuck, says the one, while the other says Freak out and go hysterical. Far more my line of behaviour.

And so, with apologies to Dr. Seuss and Sam I am, I have composed a little rhyme:

I will not keep calm.
I will not keep calm in a barn,
I will not keep calm on a farm.

I will not keep calm and eat a cupcake,
I'm chubby enough for goodness' sake.

I will not hug a ceramic bunny
I find them neither cute nor funny.

I will not keep calm and wash my hair
I will not keep calm and dance on air
I like to lose my temper, so there.

I will not keep calm and carry on
I tried it once, and found it's wrong.