For my darlings

This morning I was reading this beautiful post by Zodwa Kumalo-Valentine, and it got me thinking about what I would want to say to my own two sweethearts. With both of their birthdays drawing near, I feel even more nostalgic than ever - there is so much I wish I could impart to them. It's not just about telling them things, like be sure to give the foods you've sworn off a second chance - I spent 30 years thinking I hated olives, and I truly regret the waste. More than anything, I wish I could let them feel, for one instant, the ginormous love that consumes me every time I look at them (well, except when Jessie is crying because I have taken the dog food out her mouth or Leya is blaming me for the fact that she fell down the stairs at school). I'm convinced that if they just knew how adored they are, they would never feel an instant's self-doubt or loneliness, and that would protect them from most of life's troubles: the worry about friends who are giving you a rough time, the boy who isn't interested, the boss who thinks their ancient labrador could do a better job. But, since I can't, I'm going to tell them these things instead:

1. You have been given the most fantastical, curious, thrilling present ever. It's called the world. It is full of creatures that look as if they have escaped from some madman's imagination; people who will leave indelible marks upon your heart, sights that will make you doubt your eyes. Put the remote down and explore it - you will never regret expending a bit of energy to have an adventure. And believe me, every moment has the potential to present an adventure, because every person you encounter has a story to tell.

2. Try to make an occasion out of every moment. If you want a cup of coffee, ditch the instant and brew a pot. Splurge on the thousand count cotton sheets. Only eat Lindt. Yes, it will make your life very expensive, but it will mean that, no matter how crappy your day, you always have something to look forward to - even if it;s just the feeling of luxurious linen when you get into bed. More than that, it's also about cherishing yourself. Sadly, when you're an adult, the gifts become restricted to birthdays and Christmas (no Kinder eggs just because, Leya - sorry) so you need to do the spoiling yourself.

3. Life is what it is. But you can make it different through your attitude. Not sure what I mean? Let me explain. When I first moved in with your dad, I was taken aback at how unromantic our life together was. One day I looked at him brushing his teeth next to me and I though, "This is it. This is what life is - just brushing your teeth, with someone standing next to you." It wasn't the all-night chats and sympathetic cups of coffee I'd expected. And it can't be - there's always too much going on. So yes, our relationship is about brushing teeth - but we laugh while we're doing it.

4. If you're not sure that you like the jacket/dress/shoes, walk away. If you can't stop thinking about it, go back and get it.

5. You should always say yes to cake. If you're trying to choose between deliciousness and cellulite, remember that life is short and you will get cellulite anyway.

6. There will always be some part of your body that you don't like. Trust me - what you look like today is as good as you are ever going to look. I had a six-pack in my twenties, but I hated my thighs so I would try cover up on the beach. Then I had you two and suddenly my stomach looked like a bag full of fighting chihauhaus. I don't even know what has happened there (please don't feel too bad about ruining my body. I mean, feel a little bit bad, but no doubt things wouldn't have turned out quite so badly if I'd kept exercising. Plus, I've forgiven you). My point is that one day you will look at a picture of yourself and think "flip, I was beautiful" (trust me, you will - I look at you both daily and think that). So you may as well stop wasting time and start thinking it right now. Don't be arrogant though - nothing worse than someone who is so self-conscious about her looks that she carries her head as if there is an Old Masters oil painting on top of her neck.

7. You will always be better at some things than some people, and worse at some things than others. My guess is that you won't be able to count past 20, and that you will wait 15 minutes for a car to pass you at a Stop street rather than take the chance that you will bump into it. Also, don't expect to excel at sports. But you will both have a great sense of humour and an enormous vocabulary and giant hearts - which you can thank your dad for. Don't waste time on the things you can't do because you'll probably never become an expert at them. Rather find your passion and pour everything into it.

8. No matter how difficult life seems, it all gets better after you turn 30. Really, it does. Some of the things that worried me most when I was growing up was that I wasn't good enough, hadn't achieved enough - the list goes on. Then I turned 30 and suddenly I just knew that it would all be ok. And if it isn't, therapy is never a waste of money.

9. I hate to say this, but it's pretty crap sometimes to be a woman. I'm just warning you that you may be in for a tough time. Who knows what the world will be like when you grow up, but I still grapple with the fact that men make more money for doing the same job, and that women still have to do housework after a hard day at the office. Not to mention the ridiculous efforts to boost us, like 'Women's Month'. Or the questions like 'What do women really want?' I hope that you will be pissed off enough about it to buck the system and speak your mind.

10. There's great comfort to be taken from the knowledge that, when you're faced with a fork in the road, whichever choice you make is the right one (unless one of those choices was to be a drug mule in Thailand, of course). You'll never know how good or bad the alternative you didn't opt for would have turned out to be - all you know is your current reality, which you can choose to make as pleasant or as difficult as you wish. Of course, if you're really unhappy, it's not always easy to change your circumstances - but sometimes, it's empowering to remember that you do have choice.

11. You really are the most loved, precious girls in the world. I am so glad that you picked me to be your guardian and guide through this life. I have treasured every nanosecond with you - you make me laugh endlessly. The chance to see the world through your eyes has been a blessing. Leya, may your spark endure and Jessie, may your sweet heart prevail.

I love you both, more than anything in the whole wide world.

What kind of mom are you?

Not too sure? Then read my handy guide to find out.

1. The sanctimom. These are the people who are going bring down Monsanto, so they deserve a giant 'thank you'. But as the Universe (which, being vegan, they refer to gratefully with the regularity of a metronome) is all about balance, they are inadvertently wreaking havoc in the process. For example, they are also destroying the wheat- and sugar farming industries with their sugar and gluten-free baking practices. Also, they are destroying the self-esteem of those of us who thought that it was enough just to avoid viennas, and balk at the idea of grinding organic flaxseed for our tiny darlings' breakfast (I assure you, there really are people who do this.) For example, last week I ran into a mom arranging the cupcakes she had made for her son's birthday ring. "Wow, did you get those from the home industry?" I asked, admiring the intricate web of blue chocolate that had been spun around the Spiderman motif. "No," she tinkled happily, "made them myself!" (I could actually see the exclamation mark shimming in the air between us.) I thought back to my own offering for Leya's last birthday ring: cupcakes purchase from Checkers (not even Woolies) with a distinct bum-shaped impression, because she insisted on sitting on them and I couldn't be arsed (haha) to go out and buy more. "It really was no trouble," The Good Mom trilled. "Well...maybe it was just the gluten-free batch that added on some extra time." Dashed, I made a conscious effort to remind myself of my good points. However, since I had not even brushed my teeth yet that morning, I was hard-pressed to think of  myself as a success as either a parent or a person.

2. Moms gone wild. The other night, I went for a girls' dinner. One glass of wine turned into two and - wait, you thought there was more? No, that's it. No tequila, no vodka, not even a third glass of wine. Still, what I had was enough to have me telling the Uber driver all about what was lurking underneath my bra. I might even have shed a small, dronk verdriet tear as I confessed to him that things weren't quite what they used to be. Fortunately, I stopped just before I showed him the evidence. I know I'm not alone in this. Just yesterday I asked one of the moms at my nursery school how her girls' weekend was. "Crazy!" she said. "There were girls dancing, girls skinny-dipping - it was all happening." Another incident brought home the commonness of this phenomenon. I was having breakfast with my friend, June, and asked her about her weekend at AfrikaBurn. "It was weird," she answered. "There were a lot of people there who looked like they just didn't belong, all doing coke and talking about how many drugs they had taken - kind of like people in high school bragging about how much they've drank." Don't judge, I pleaded with her. Those people are probably parents with small babies who managed to find a babysitter and, like a convent girl released for the weekend, or a Jewish person facing a seafood buffet, they just can't help themselves.

3. The judgey mom. Hands up - who hasn't judged other moms before? Uh uh uh you over there - don't deny it. I know occupied a front row seat in this category from the minute my first baby was handed to me. Brandishing my homemade lentil puree, I tutted to myself about the mothers who Actually Bought Their Children Purity. I frowned upon the users of walking rings, compromising their children's hip flexors and ability to form healthy adult relationships or do maths. I shook my head when friends reprimanded their children in harsh voices. Don't they know they are crippling the tiny angels' self-esteem for life, I wondered? Then I had my second child. Just the other day I found myself in the shoes of those I had judged, when I made my seven-month-old baby cry and every mother in Dis-Chem turned to me, anger and hate in their eyes, ready to pelt me with their prescriptions. Also, by now I have read enough 'helpful' mommy blogs to roll my eyes when I am reminded to be mindful, and to lose the tech. Please. If you have never counted the minutes to bedtime while sneaking a peak at your cell, you're probably flying your unicorn while you read this.